deep calls out to deep

last night i was really struggling with alot of things...thoughts and feelings....i had a long talk with naomi...and she really challeged me to do things that i dont want to cause they are hard....so was in this state of brokeness i guess you could say...but then God gave me this vision...it was so wierd but good at the same time...
no its weird...
its like i am froze in the middle of a war... matrix style...but with a saving private ryan war theme blood is dripping from me...and the enemy is surrounding me....but i am in the moment where we are all frozen..i just want to go to the hospital...or fall on the ground and pretend that i am dead.....you know whycause i am tired of my gun backfiring in my face....i am tired of seeing my fellow friends fall and die....i am tired of tripping on the barbed wire.....i hate the smell of mud...and my lungs are are burning from the gas......i see them coming....they all have guns and knifes.......poisoned with doubt and feari have never made it this far in before.....and sure i have some memory verse medals...and a praying for people star......but what good is that in this moment....its just as covered in mud as the shoes that cover my feet there is no glory in this war....there is no glory in this war for me.......its 100000000 to one....theres no one to fight this for me...but then all of a sudden this white horse is seen on the horizon .....it is blazing with fire.....it the rider seems to be yelling something as it moves closer....i can start to make out words i can hear it clearly now.. I PAID TO HIGH OF A PRICE TO LET YOU BE ALONE IN THIS BATTLE....THE BATTLE IN MINE SAYS THE LORD....YOU DO NOT BATTLE WITH FLESH AND BLOOD BUT WITH PRINCIPALITIES OF DARKNESS...AND I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR YOU TO LONG TO LET YOU FALL TO THE HANDS OF THEM....I PAID TO HIGH OF A PRICE....as he moves closer to me....i can see that He also has blood dripping from his head and from his hands...and from his back and from his legs and from his HEART....the blood is running down the side of the horse..HE keeps yelling...louder and louder...I LOVE YOU!!.....and in this moment the moment become un frozen.......and the troops start closing in around me.....and just when i think that iam done for....as they are beating me.....i see out of the corner of my eye....this rider.......being beaten......the rider being taken advantage of by the ememy troops....WILLINGly....the pain that i am experiencing is un bareable........i can hardly breath now.....and i can see that He is having a hard time breathing too......i dont understand....i thouight he was coming to save me.....he said that he would not let me fall into thier hands.....HES A LIAR!!!!!!!HE doesnt really love me...he is just a weakling..he got off HIS frinkin HORSE and let them beat HIM..FALSE HOPE!!!.WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS!!??..doesnt he see that i am alone i am broken and being beaten...i am so stupid to have believed in HIm.....at this moment my ememy can see that i have lost all hope....and that the rider didnt come to save me....and that i am not fighting anymore....so they loose interest in beating me cause i am not doing them any harm....so they pretty much leave me on the ground...and all go over to the rider...and beat on him even harder.......so i am lying the mud....cursing the rider...some how i get enough strenght and i go over to the comotion and begin to start beating the rider......YOU didnt COME THROUGH WHEN I NEEDED YOu...you failed me..DIDNT YOU SEE THAT I CANT DO THIS ALONE...the ememy brings the rider to this cross and..the cross was on a lonely little hill......and i began to YELL>.....CRUCIFY HIM!!!!!crucify him..crucify HIM!!!!!KILL HIM!!!......HE IS A LIAR>....he told me that he was going to save my friends....he told me that i would have joy..that he would answer my prayers...i have been waiting for 6 years rider...6 hyears....thanks for coming through.....and then i spat..at this point the rider was up on the cross........i didnt even reconize him.....mangled..just when i looked up at him he looked at me......and yelled this out...FORGIVE THEM FATHER FOR THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DO!!......just then my heart shook....and the rider was dead....HE died for me...the broken the beaten the mocker...i was the reason but he isent dead anymore.....he rose so that i would that i can prevail through all things....that death could not even hold a grip on HIm.....HE is alive and fighting..HE is praying for me and he has forgiven me so many times...cause i always think that He has forgotten cause it doesnt come in my time....

home for a moment

memories..they are some of the greatest things to hold on to....its crazy to look back on life and remember good times....oh goodness....i was reading/looking through my moms highschool yearbook...and i was just thinking about how wierd its going to be for me...when i have my 30 year reunion....and when my kid will look through my year book and be like "OH WOW mom you guys are so old 2007 is when you graduated?"...haha..it will be a good moment...but its so crazy how much our life choices now affect our future....when your young the "future" seems so far off...your always asked what do you want to be when you grow up?...in this next year i am going to deciede what i going to be...in my mind i am puzzled with that...i dont want to decide...one because i cant be that astronaut that i always wanted to be...and also cause i am not ready...but at the same time i cant wait to see what i will become...i am most likely going to go into the family tradition of teaching...which was second on the list...flying in space and fighting aliens always sounded so much coooler than trying to explain art history...but i am probably going to settle for the art history...but its not fer sure..and i still have to make a final desision...this post kinda fell off topic....eek...

but ya memories are priceless treasures...the good ones that is!....nothing can replace hanging out in amiee-lee and laura-lees pool...or the many hours spent in Unit 13 praying/playing/and just seeing God...and my list could go on and on and on....i have a had a good week of remembering things....and also of God bringning back promises that He has spoken over me....its so crazy to think that choices that i made in grade 7 still affect me today...times when i pressed in to God...when i was like 13 have left huge dents that still are challenging me everyday...time goes so quickly when you look back on it.....but i think this little season of rememberance is coming to and end...God is calling me to look forward again cause there is some new choices that i have to make and a more mountains to climb...but i cant wait till i get to the top so that i can see how far i came again!!...:)

steep and slippery

Haha..so was pondering on my life...and i was reminded of a vision that God gave me while i was at Eagles Nest this past weekend..not the moth one...another one...i went horse back riding....oh man i am so thankful for henry ford..but thats besides the point...so we were trail riding and we went UP prayer mountain on these beasts...and since there was a bit of snow so it was super steep and slippery for the horses...i was just closing my eyes and praying "GOD I DONT WANT TO DIE RIDING A HORSE!!!!!!!!!" ...haha and then later on He spoke to me..(when i was sitting calmly after service)...He said that my life is like riding that horse...God is the Horse, He is refered to in the Bible as riding a White Horse..(I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war Revelation 19:11).. and I have to give the reigns over to Him and let Him take me to new places...but there will be times in my walk that HUGE STEEP IMPOSSIBLE hills will come...and i will think that i cant get over them...but God wants me to trust HIm that He will get me over it....and He wont slip or stumble...i just got to surrender and hold on to His promises with dear life...or i will slip off the horse...right after we finshed getting up "prayer mountain...which i am calling death hill"..there is a field up there....and its flat and golden..and at that part Andrea told us to get the horse to trot...and we trotted across the beautful field which over looked the camp and hills...it was pretty beautiful...and it was calm...just me and the horse working as one..(well thats how its supposed to look).:)..and God told me that when we get through trials and up hills...He will reward us...and there is an end to tough times....but He wanted to remind me that we are going to have to go down into the valley again...but we will be stronger than we were before...He will never lead us on a trail that is too hard...He knows what we can handle..but He likes being in charge...and leading our way....

ps. some of us feel that we are always following the butts of other horses....that we are just there and we do what everyone else is doing...and all we see is thier butt....but thats only a season.....God will have trails where you and Him will be alone together...trotting along as one!...how beautful to be one with the spirit!.

refreshed

i just got back from a weekend at Eagles Nest...i had a really great time...i got to make some new friends and also grow some friendships that i already had...i laughed alot, and almost died while riding a horse..his name was buddy...we became friends:)...and i also encountered God afresh...

We were in chapel and i was worshiping and any of you that have been to the ranch before know that behind the "stage" is a whole bunch of windows...and God led my eye to this stupid lil moth...and this moth kept flying into the window...thinking that he could get in so that he could get closer to the light....and because he wasent sucessful he moved to a new square in the window...time after time...hit after hit...he just kept trying...God spoke and told me that is how i am sometimes...but i cant break through cause there are things in my way...and they arent BIG things they are just little sins or attitudes or bad thoughts....and i can still see Jesus (the light)...and i can still feel a bit of His warmth...but there is this invisible wall that comes in the way...and i become mad because i am like GOD I CAN SEE YOU AND FEEL YOU BUT I AM NOT SATISFIED...i feel like i am missing the mark...and i am...cause God wants me to be so close to him...so God brought back the verse where it talks about getting forgiveness everyday...and trying to work on attitudes and such EVERYDAY..so that i dont build up walls that soon will move from being invisible to BLACK completly unsee-able......i want to be with Jesus and i dont want stupid little things to come in the way of our "divine Romance".. :).i want to go all the way and not be stopped right at the brink....to be tormented with just a glimpse....i wont survive..i need HIM..

its enough

so its thanks giving...and i was just thinking about it....i have so many things to be thankful for...i know this sounds like the tipical "thanksgiving post"....but its the truth....screw the fact that it is thanksgiving weekend...it could be anyday and i still should remember to be thankful...but that fact is... that in this busy life that we lead...thankfulness is just one extra thing we have to remember and its easily the first thing that we leave behind when we are running through the door with our coffees and 50 pound backpacks...but thankfulness i think is such a vital part in life that I know i am forgetting all the time....i get so many things..everyday...i get food to eat...and not just any food, but food that i like....i get nice clothes...and bed and my own room!...i have a family and live with both my parents...but most of all i got to get up this morning...i got to take a breath this morning....i get the chance to live one more day...i get to make one more person smile...give one more hug...pray for someone...and hopefully make another effort to love on my broken generation..and that is so special.....and i dont want to sound spiritual and goodie goodie...but thats my heart...i dont want my life to go on...i dont want it to live one more day unless i know that i am going to touch someone....or that Gods breath is what i'm going to breathe...for to long i lived for me...and i lived scraping to get by for ME....but God wants me to sacrifice ME...so that i can focus on hearing and responding to the cries of my desparate generation...and HE will supply all MY needs...while i am helping to supply for others...whether thats a hug or a prayer...or just to sit and listen......i know that i am going to fail..andi know that i am going to be selfish sometimes and i am going focus on me....but i also know that my daddy will be there to help get back on my misson...i am striving to be that someone that when people see me that they dont see Rachelle but they see Jesus and that Rachelle would be just a vessel..a chanel for Gods love...NOT the vocal point..and reason...i want HIM to have all the Glory....its enough glory for me just in the fact that He wants to use me...

Thank you so much Daddy...for choosing me....for this time and for this season....forgive me for i have failed and i know that i am not worthy of your love and forgivness...but for some reason you keep telling me that i am..over and over..i want to believe it with all my heart...i really do....so that i can be one with you...and so that we can touch many lives together..you and me...hand in hand...i want to live a life with purpose...that would not just take up space....but that i will be great in you....i want to try....cause you believe in me...and you always tell me that your a proud daddy of your little gurl....and that is enough, thats enough..to fight every battle and trail....i love you so much........HAPPY TURKEY DAY GOD!!... :)

brokeness..

i have this brokeness....but its not a bad broken but a good one....my spirit has been laying low these last few days...and i have felt this dark depth....(but i havent been afraid of it which is a change :)...but God showed me that the dark low feeling that i am in right now....is what my friends feel on a daily basis...and that most of thier spirits are dead or laying really low....and i was like GOD!...what can i do???...how can i bring them up??..we were talking the other day about isisah about when he comes before the throne of God and God shows isisah how un clean he really is....and i love that cause he was a prophet, supposed to be this perfect man....but when he got before the presence of God...he cried out "OH CRAP!...look at me i am not worthy".....but God told the angel to take the coal and cleanse his lips.....and right after that God asks the question...."who will go for us??" and because of Isaiah was cleansed from all his crap and was free from his own stuff.....he probably was jumping up and down like donkey from shrek!..."PICK ME, PICK ME!!!"....haha...the bible can be pretty funny sometimes...

but God connected all those things today for me.....He has shown me that in that place of brokeness God is healing my brokeness....He is taking the coal to me...and so that now when He asks me to do something...like stand in the gap for my broken gerneration or love on someone....i am going to be like donkey!!!! PICK ME PICK ME GOD!!!......i just love daddy God!...He always wants to teach us something....but let me tell you that in this broken state...its not peaches and cream...i think its a must that when God wants to change something or teach us something its going to be a struggle and its probably going to hurt....because our flesh is selfish and self lothing...but allow the coal of God to come and purge you....and watch how the crap will fall off like scales on a fish!.....