deep calls out to deep

last night i was really struggling with alot of things...thoughts and feelings....i had a long talk with naomi...and she really challeged me to do things that i dont want to cause they are hard....so was in this state of brokeness i guess you could say...but then God gave me this vision...it was so wierd but good at the same time...
no its weird...
its like i am froze in the middle of a war... matrix style...but with a saving private ryan war theme blood is dripping from me...and the enemy is surrounding me....but i am in the moment where we are all frozen..i just want to go to the hospital...or fall on the ground and pretend that i am dead.....you know whycause i am tired of my gun backfiring in my face....i am tired of seeing my fellow friends fall and die....i am tired of tripping on the barbed wire.....i hate the smell of mud...and my lungs are are burning from the gas......i see them coming....they all have guns and knifes.......poisoned with doubt and feari have never made it this far in before.....and sure i have some memory verse medals...and a praying for people star......but what good is that in this moment....its just as covered in mud as the shoes that cover my feet there is no glory in this war....there is no glory in this war for me.......its 100000000 to one....theres no one to fight this for me...but then all of a sudden this white horse is seen on the horizon .....it is blazing with fire.....it the rider seems to be yelling something as it moves closer....i can start to make out words i can hear it clearly now.. I PAID TO HIGH OF A PRICE TO LET YOU BE ALONE IN THIS BATTLE....THE BATTLE IN MINE SAYS THE LORD....YOU DO NOT BATTLE WITH FLESH AND BLOOD BUT WITH PRINCIPALITIES OF DARKNESS...AND I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR YOU TO LONG TO LET YOU FALL TO THE HANDS OF THEM....I PAID TO HIGH OF A PRICE....as he moves closer to me....i can see that He also has blood dripping from his head and from his hands...and from his back and from his legs and from his HEART....the blood is running down the side of the horse..HE keeps yelling...louder and louder...I LOVE YOU!!.....and in this moment the moment become un frozen.......and the troops start closing in around me.....and just when i think that iam done for....as they are beating me.....i see out of the corner of my eye....this rider.......being beaten......the rider being taken advantage of by the ememy troops....WILLINGly....the pain that i am experiencing is un bareable........i can hardly breath now.....and i can see that He is having a hard time breathing too......i dont understand....i thouight he was coming to save me.....he said that he would not let me fall into thier hands.....HES A LIAR!!!!!!!HE doesnt really love me...he is just a weakling..he got off HIS frinkin HORSE and let them beat HIM..FALSE HOPE!!!.WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS!!??..doesnt he see that i am alone i am broken and being beaten...i am so stupid to have believed in HIm.....at this moment my ememy can see that i have lost all hope....and that the rider didnt come to save me....and that i am not fighting anymore....so they loose interest in beating me cause i am not doing them any harm....so they pretty much leave me on the ground...and all go over to the rider...and beat on him even harder.......so i am lying the mud....cursing the rider...some how i get enough strenght and i go over to the comotion and begin to start beating the rider......YOU didnt COME THROUGH WHEN I NEEDED YOu...you failed me..DIDNT YOU SEE THAT I CANT DO THIS ALONE...the ememy brings the rider to this cross and..the cross was on a lonely little hill......and i began to YELL>.....CRUCIFY HIM!!!!!crucify him..crucify HIM!!!!!KILL HIM!!!......HE IS A LIAR>....he told me that he was going to save my friends....he told me that i would have joy..that he would answer my prayers...i have been waiting for 6 years rider...6 hyears....thanks for coming through.....and then i spat..at this point the rider was up on the cross........i didnt even reconize him.....mangled..just when i looked up at him he looked at me......and yelled this out...FORGIVE THEM FATHER FOR THEY DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DO!!......just then my heart shook....and the rider was dead....HE died for me...the broken the beaten the mocker...i was the reason but he isent dead anymore.....he rose so that i would that i can prevail through all things....that death could not even hold a grip on HIm.....HE is alive and fighting..HE is praying for me and he has forgiven me so many times...cause i always think that He has forgotten cause it doesnt come in my time....